A desperate spiritual search.

Kovalam, 17-04-1995.

When I left Amsterdam nearly one year and six months ago now, I felt like going on a spiritual quest, a search for myself. I remember Lord Shiva's test, sending me that dark-skinned Surinam beauty that tried so hard to make me return to Amsterdam within months of the trip, a fruitless feminine attempt to convince me of the crazyness of my search for my inner being...

Now, sitting here late into the night, hearing the waves of the on-coming tide outside, in the closed confinement of my room that I rent for a meagre 50 Rp. a night, I`m still searching desperately for an answer to my excistence, the very reason for my presence here on this planet, just a mere speck of dust in this infinite universe. And however hard I have tried I`ve found no answer......Krisna or Jesus, Jaweh or Allah, Shiva and Ganesh, Vishnu nor Manitou; they all left me alone on my spiritual and lonely quest.

All these months alone travelling around Southeast Asia, immersing myself in the hippy scene, trying to do it the Sadhu way smoking charras from the holy Chilum...

Exhausted and in sheer fustration I light yet another joint......stumbling to the bathroom to clean my mouth of cheap tabacco fumes and "expensive" Kerala grass. I see myself in the bathroom mirror, a face I hardly regocnise, hollow and covered by a long bushy beard. I think about sexy thai Hot Mommas and gently phillipino Hunting Girls.

My desperate quest a fruitless one. What a shitty time to come to that conclusion, just five days before my return trip to Amsterdam......